10 truths about Minimalists

  1. Minimalists count their possessions and those with less possessions are better and considered the “Great Minimalist Masters”. There can only be a group of 100 people like that in the whole world, so it’s a big race and a big dream for every minimalist to be like them.
  2. You can only be a Minimalist when you’re 20-30 years old. If you start any later than that, you won’t be able to get the same results. Ever. Once a minimalist reaches age 30, they have to say goodbye to their lifestyle, get married, accumulate stuff and get kids who want more stuff. Because you can’t be a minimalist and have a family at the same time. Everyone knows this. We, as a minimalist community mourn the loss of these members and pray for their souls.
  3. Every minimalist has at least tried meditating once. If you haven’t gone on one meditaion retreat or if you’re not a firm believer of Jesus Chris or insert your religion here you’re not able to call yourself a minimalist. Minimalism is not about stuff, it is about what’s beyond that. If you’re neither meditation nor are religious you will never get that. Ommmmmm.
  4. Minimalists love Yoga. Namaste! Putting your feet over your head or making a pretzel of your legs is the only alternative you have to the point above. If you’re not able to do that, you disqualify as minimalist.
  5. Minimalists will judge you when you have trouble letting go of sentimental items. Who cares that you got these earrings from your favorite aunt who died of breast cancer last year? Get rid of them or you will have too many possessions to be a “Great Minimalist Master” and you will have failed the community.
  6. Shopping is minimalist torture. Because even if they like stuff, a minimalist can never admit this. If you take a minimalist friend shopping with you, you will see the famous minimalist ritual: They will take a pen and paper and write the things they want to buy on a list. The minimalist will then wait and buy the thing 3 days later. In secret. When nobody can see them. They will never buy anything when a non-minimalist can see them as this would destroy their credibility.
  7. Minimalists want to save the earth. They refuse to drive a car because that will make their footprint on mother earth bigger. Even if they have 4 kids and live in the countryside they will refuse to drive a car, because they want to be superior to you. They will also grow their own vegetables, but will only have a shovel because they don’t want to get too much stuff. They will then frequently come to your house to borrow items from you.
  8. Minimalists hate decorative items. They will come into your house and will try and convince you how vain you are, because of your collection of antique vases that you got from your grandmother, so never invite them to your house if you can avoid it.
  9. A minimalist will never give you a birthday present. They don’t believe in material possessions, and if they don’t get a present, you don’t get a present, so the most you can expect is a book about minimalism. From the library. That you have to give back in 7 days.
  10. Minimalists have to quit their job and travel the world. If they decide to keep their 9-5 job, they won’t be able to be one of the “Great Minimalist Masters” ever, so every minimalist tries to at least become self-employed (even if they’re not made for that).
  11. Additional: Christmas is Minimalist hell. They have to explain to everyone that they don’t want any presents and force everyone to give them perishable items or experiences instead. As a present you can only expect these items from your minimalist friend.
10 truths about Minimalists

6 thoughts on “10 truths about Minimalists

  1. archies2013 says:

    OK Jessica, Either I missed something here or you’re writing satirically. This sounds more like a list of 10 preconceived ideas non-minimalists have about minimalists. I am way over 30. Way over. My house is 2400 sq ft. (although we intend to sell and downsize as soon as possible), I shop but I shop for needs, not just for the sake of shopping, and don’t get me started about saving the earth. I could write 100 blog posts just on that alone. If you Google minimalism you’re more likely to get a hit from an art site than a minimalist lifestyle site, so minimalists definitely do not hate decorative arts. Anyway, I’m guessing you’re kidding around here.
    Thanks for the post!

  2. KevInKobe says:

    I’m not into minimalism, but because of my frugality and the possibility of having to move soon I don’t want to have many possessions.
    On the other hand I’m the kind of person who wants to be able to do everything myself.
    If I put those traits together I get to my own personal minimalism I think.

    That’s probably how your article fits in the whole minimalism debate doesn’t it? People misunderstanding minimalism for owning less instead of finding a balance between function and quantity.

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